It’s a question that leaves many of us baffled: How do you handle friends and family who keep gifting you items you’ll never use? The problem is more common than you might think. According to the National Retail Federation, Americans spent around $966 billion over last year’s holiday season—and an estimated $148 billion worth of those purchases were likely returned. Research from CivicScience also found that 28% of people returned or exchanged a gift in the past year. Meanwhile, the most requested Christmas gifts in the US? Cash and gift cards. Which suggests that many people would rather just pick out what they want themselves.
Over a single season—or a lifetime—you can accumulate a mountain of gifts that don’t spark joy and take up valuable space. Do you simply rehome them all without a second thought? Attempt to return each undesired item? Or keep them around for the sentimental value, even if you’ll never actually use them? Standard etiquette suggests that we should remain gracious—at least on the surface—regardless of how off-base the gift might be. But studies in social psychology hint that some terrible gift-givers might not be clueless at all; their gift choices can be quite deliberate, and even tinged with resentment. To tackle this issue, we need to take a closer look at why we give gifts in the first place.
How to Politely Handle Well-Meaning (but Unwanted) Gifts
In an age when consumer goods are more abundant than ever, it’s no wonder we often find ourselves with gifts we’ll never use. According to Daniel Post Senning, an etiquette expert at the Emily Post Institute, the golden rule is to receive gifts with the same generosity in which they’re offered. Even if you don’t like the item itself, you can still genuinely thank the giver for the thought or effort they put into it.
Regifting Without the Guilt
Senning points out that it’s not automatically taboo to regift, especially if you already own the item or know someone who would truly appreciate it. Be cautious about regifting handmade or personalized items, though—that can backfire. And if the original giver ever asks, it’s best to be honest and upfront. After all, gifts shouldn’t come with strings attached. To make everyone’s life easier, consider including a gift receipt whenever possible.
Deciding What to Keep and What to Let Go
Productivity coach Juliet Landau-Pope, who has written extensively on decluttering, suggests starting by getting rid of items that have the least sentimental value. Large or bulky gifts are also prime candidates for quick decluttering—someone else may benefit from them far more than you would. If you plan to regift, be sure to explain why the item isn’t right for you and why you think it might be a better fit for the new recipient.
For clothes, jewelry, and other household goods you’d like to donate, you can visit local organizations like Goodwill or a family shelter. Larger items—such as furniture or appliances—can often be donated to Habitat for Humanity’s ReStore. And if you’re swimming in handmade holiday cards or decorative knick-knacks, consider Landau-Pope’s approach: Keep only the most meaningful ones (like your child’s artwork), display the rest for a short time, then snap a photo for memory’s sake and recycle or donate them.
Why So Many of Us Receive Bad Gifts
Ideally, we want to see our loved ones light up with delight when they unwrap our presents. So why do we keep dishing out (and receiving) gifts that fall flat?
One reason is an expectations mismatch. As Julian Givi, a marketing professor at West Virginia University, explains, givers often fixate on the immediate “wow” factor—how excited someone appears at the moment they open the gift—rather than focusing on long-term usefulness.
We also tend to overestimate how much someone loves a certain hobby, sports team, or brand, or we might simply not know the recipient well enough to guess what truly resonates with them. Sometimes, we unknowingly trigger unpleasant memories—a knitted sweater might evoke a bad childhood experience, for instance.
The Darker Side of Giving
But some gift-giving is more deliberate than we’d like to believe. Givi notes that people will occasionally ignore someone’s wish list because they find the listed items too dull or uninteresting—based on their personal taste, not the recipient’s. Another selfish twist: Givers may avoid gifting something better than what they themselves own because it stirs up envy.
Deborah Cohn, a marketing professor at the New York Institute of Technology, has identified five broad reasons why bad gifts happen, including situations where the giver simply doesn’t want to invest the mental effort to choose something thoughtful. A more aggressive form of bad gift-giving is when the giver intentionally imposes a particular identity on the recipient—like parents who only buy dolls for their daughters or video games for their sons, regardless of the children’s actual preferences.
Other “bad gift” patterns arise from pure self-interest, such as buying pricey headphones for your spouse because you secretly plan on using them yourself. Or purchasing an over-the-top present purely for bragging rights. According to Cohn, these aren’t just innocent mistakes—they’re rooted in selfishness, and recipients usually see right through them. Her ongoing research even explores whether chronic bad gift-giving correlates with narcissistic tendencies.
How to Be a Better Gift-Giver
Tastes in gifts can vary wildly, but there are a few universal pointers. Givi’s research shows that sentimental presents—like something handmade or linked to a shared memory—tend to be undervalued by givers but warmly received by recipients. Another surprising find is that people love “just because” gifts, not tied to a particular occasion like birthdays or holidays. Removing social obligation seems to amplify the perceived thoughtfulness behind the gesture.
Most importantly, becoming a better gift-giver requires a genuine effort to step into the other person’s shoes. Ask yourself what they would want, not what you would want in that scenario. If you’re unsure, don’t be afraid to get some guidance—ask them outright or consult their wish list. While some might find maintaining a registry a bit too forward, it can save everyone time, money, and the headache of returns.
Cohn shares a personal story about receiving a prank “gift” from her father: a set of nested boxes leading to nothing at the center. The memory stuck with her for years, motivating her research into how we communicate through gifts. Later, when she finished her dissertation, her mother gave her another set of nested boxes—this time filled with chocolates—to help mend that old wound. For Cohn, it was the best present she’d ever received because it was designed to take away her pain. Ultimately, that’s what gift-giving should be about: genuinely caring for someone else’s feelings—rather than your own ego—and creating moments of true connection.